It all starts with Him, of course. He was the love of my life, I loved him the best that I knew how. But, I wasn’t the love of HIS life. In essence, I felt like he told me that my love wasn’t good enough. And enter the issues that have haunted me ever since.
In my string of 'non'-relationships since Him, I find myself in the same situation time and time again. The guy tells me he's not looking for a serious relationship (because subconsiously I've chosen an emotionally unavailable guy), but I keep sleeping with him thinking that eventually he'll change his mind. Inevitably things end between us, and he always always ends up dating a serious girlfriend right after me. It just adds to my complex.
And, as a result, I now use sex as a defense mechanism. I use it to attract guys, and to try and keep them interested, and I have it in my head that if there's no sex, then they can't possibly be interested in me. The guy I'm dating isn't texting me, what do I do? Sext him of course. Because that's guaranteed to get his attention. It's hard for me not to turn things flirty and loaded with innuendos cuz that's safer for me than getting emotions involved.
On the inside however, I'm an emotional turmoil. History repeats itself over and over - and isn't that the definition of insanity? Performing the same actions over and over and expecting a different result? I guess I'm guilty of insanity then.
For example, I'm still guilty of responding to Mr. Charming when he texts me from time to time. I'm angry with him for still coming to me. He tells me I'm "irresistible", which is completely unfair to me, when I know that he's only after one thing from me. But what do I do? Respond and flirt anyways, which just validates him. It's self-destructive behaviour on my part.
I've been struggling with this a lot lately. Having finally met a decent guy who hasn't pulled any of the shit these other guys have pulled, I still can't turn off my craziness - I'm having reactions to things that he hasn't done, but history dictates that I react a certain way, analyze certain things, and I'm totally convinced that he's going to get bored of me once the novelty of sex wears off. He hasn't told me he's not looking for anything serious, we're exclusive, he treats me great - but I'm still worried he's going to lose interest, because they all do eventually.
I'm sure you're all thinking this girl is SO not ready to be dating or in a relationship. But at this point I've been in the same dating cycle for so long, that I think the only thing that will cure these insecurities is to get past the dating stage and into a relationship just once. To have a guy (and hopefully this current one) prove me wrong and really like me for just being me. It just requires me to stop putting sex up as a wall against my emotions and letting someone in - and certainly not blaming him for the shit that other guys have done. In my defense, I am trying to change my behaviour and work through some of my issues. I'm definitely not as promiscuous as I once was, but as a result I now also vigilantly guard my heart.
Awareness is the first step right?